INT. UNCLE BOB'S PANCAKE HOUSE - MORNING
Eight men dressed in BLACK SUITS, sit around a table at a breakfast cafe. They are MR. WHITE, MR. PINK, MR. BLUE, MR. BLONDE, MR. ORANGE, MR. BROWN, NICE GUY EDDIE CABOT, and the big boss, JOE CABOT. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation. Joe flips through a small address book. Mr. Pink is telling a long and involved story about Madonna.
MR. PINK "Like a Virgin" is all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BLUE No it's not. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable and she's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive--
MR. PINK --Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that bullshitthe tourists.
JOE (looking through his address book) Toby...who the fuck is Toby? Toby...Toby...think...think... think...
MR. PINK It's not about a nice girl who meets a sensitive boy. Now granted that's what "True Blue" is about, no argument about that.
MR. ORANGE Which one is "True Blue?"
NICE GUY EDDIE You don't remember "True Blue?" That was a big ass hit for Madonna. Shit, I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of"True Blue."
MR. ORANGE Look, asshole, I didn't ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.
MR. BROWN I hate Madonna.
MR. BLUE I like her early stuff. You know, "Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but once she got into her "Papa Don't Preach" phase, I don't know, I tuned out.
MR. PINK Hey, fuck all that, I' making a point here. You're gonna make me lose my train of thought.
JOE Oh fuck, Toby's that little china girl.
MR. WHITE What's that?
JOE I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. Toby what? What the fuck was her last name?
MR. PINK Where was I?
MR. ORANGE You said "True Blue" was about a nice girl who finds a sensitive fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. PINK Let me tell ya what "Like a Virgin"'s about. It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine. I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick,dick, dick, dick,dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,dick.
MR. BLUE How many dicks was that?
MR. WHITE A lot.
MR. PINK Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa baby. This mother fucker's like Charles Bronson in "The Great Escape." He's diggin tunnels. Now she's gettin this serious dick action, she's feeli something she ain't felt since forever. Pain.
JOE Chew? Toby Chew? No.
MR. PINK It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like the first time. The pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was like to be a virgin.Hence, "Like a Virgin." The fellas crack up.
JOE Wong?
MR. PINK Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What the fuck do you know about it anyway? You're still listening to Jerry-fucking-Vale.
JOE Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You know, like the Chinese name?
Mr. White snatches the address book from Joe's hand. They fight, but they're not really mad at each other.
MR. WHITE Give me this fucking thing.
JOE What the fuck do you think you're doin? Give me my book back!
MR. WHITE I'm sick of fuckin hearin it Joe, I'll give it back when we leave.
JOE Whaddaya mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back now.
MR. WHITE For the past fifteen minutes now, you've just been droning on with names. "Toby...Toby...Toby... Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I got Madonna's big dick outta my right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't-know-what, outta my left.
JOE What do you care?
MR. WHITE When you're annoying as hell, I care a lot.
JOE Give me my book.
MR. WHITE You gonna put it away?
JOE I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do with it.
MR. WHITE Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it.
MR. BLONDE Joe, you want me to shoot him for you?
MR. WHITE Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.
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